Grief

So I know that we have been MIA and have decided to take a big break from the adoption world, as we know it. I apologize deeply for the absence but have needed to take time to be a family and heal. We had a very unexpected bump in our process of adopting Julius.

After accepting Julius referral you could say that we have had our ups and downs. We knew that Julius would need surgery upon his arrival home, and had planned on that as something minor that we could most definitely handle. It was a difficult step for us to take in the first place. We are a small family living on one income and only so much Mommy and Daddy to go around. There were many signs along the way, I guess you could call it “mommy’s gut” that lead me to many prayers and many tears as well. But I felt in my heart that it all would work out. We prepared for our son, whole-heatedly. We loved him, we treasured him. As much love as we gave we were greeted with some more news upon which we were very scared. We talked a lot, we grieved, we waited. We waited for more medical information. We knew we needed facts. We held fast and kept preparing for our son. Then the news came, one late afternoon. We were greeted in prayer by our agency. We were a little taken back by the different information that we had and most of all we were scared. These were not the answers that we had planned to hear. These weren’t the facts that were supposed to come, this was not happening.

We sought comfort in each other but knew in our hearts that whatever needs that Julius had, whatever they were whether minor or major, we just felt in our hearts that the path we had planned for was not the path planned for us. We had to withdraw. The most difficult decision we have ever had to make in our lives. We as a couple have had much grief surrounding building our family. And really was taken back by all of this. I thought our days of grief were behind us, I thought that this was the safest way; I thought that this was our way to peace. I truly had to find a peace with our decision. I had to find solace, that the many prayers I had said had been answered, it was just not the way I had planned.

Never will I be able to hold my dear sweet baby. I miss him; I still love him, but know in my heart that he has a different journey. I may never understand all the things that happened that led us to this place. I may never know why. I know that only time will give me perspective, only time will allow me to see the bigger picture. But right now, right now, we are truly grieving.

Our biggest prayer right now, of course is for Julius. We want nothing more than for him to find his forever family. We have to find peace with our decision, and know that our many prayers that have enveloped this tiny baby soul will lead him to his home. So although we are grieving, we find peace that this journey, our journey will lead this beautiful baby boy to finding his home.